Potter and the Perverts
by pupeez4eva
Summary: Prussia is sick of England constantly bragging about that Potter kid. So he, and the rest of the Bad Touch Trio, decide to kidnap Harry and brainwash him into hating England.
1. In Which England Seels His Fate

England walked into the conference room, beaming proudly.

If Prussia had known the hell that smile would bring into his life for years to come, one (or both) of their lives would have ended that day.

"Hey, Iggy!" America called out. For once England didn't scream at him for using the hated nickname. "Why do you look so happy?"

England puffed up with pride. "Remember Voldemort?"

Every country in the room groaned.

"You mean that person you've been crying about for the past few years, aru?" China asked. "Yes...we know all about him."

"Well," England bounced on his feet. "Harry killed him!"

Everyone stared at him blankly.

"...Whose Harry?" Prussia asked.

In the next few years, Prussia would learn exactly who 'Harry' was.

...

_10 years later_

England burst into the conference room.

"Everyone remember Harry?!" he cried, excitement coating his voice.

"You mean that person you've been talking about for the past few years, aru?" China asked, and everyone felt a sudden flash of deja vu. "Yes...we know all about him."

"Well..." England beamed wider. "He just got his Hogwarts letter!"

Everyone stared at him.

"I'm sorry..." Spain looked disturbed. _"What _did he get?"

"His Hogwarts letter!"

"...Is that some sort of strange English illness?" France asked, looking disgusted. "I always knew those Englishmen were filthy."

...

_A month later_

"Harry has just left for Hogwarts!"

Prussia held the phone away from his ear, grimacing as the sound of England's loud voice met his ears.

"I'm sorry," Prussia said through gritted teeth. "But why the _hell _do I need to know about this?"

"Oh don't feel special," England told him. "I'm calling everyone...next up, Switzerland!"

The phone hung up.

...

_A few months later_

The phone rang and Prussia picked it up. He sighed, knowing exactly what was coming the second that England's voice met his ears.

"What?" he gritted out.

"Harry beat a troll!" England crowed.

"Great." Prussia slammed the phone down.

If only he realized that it was only going to get worse.

...

_A few months later:_

"Guess what?"

"Something to do with Harry, I'm guessing?"

"Right you are! Harry just faced of Voldemort! Isn't he simply brilliant?"

...

_The next year_

"Harry just fought of a basilik!"

...

_The next year:_

"Harry saved Sirius Black...who, as it turns out, isn't a serial killer! And the reason I know about this is all thanks to Harry! Wow, that kid is simply amazing..."

...

_The next year:_

"HARRY IS IN THE TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT! Oh God, why can't they sell tickets to these things..."

...

_A few days later:_

"That bloody old coot Dumbledore kicked me out of Hogwarts when I demanded a ticket to see Harry Potter facing of a dragon. How dare he - I'm his country, goddammit!"

...

_A few months later:_

"VOLDEMORT HAS RETURNED...Harry will take care of it though!"

...

Prussia could barely take it any more. He was sick of those awful phone calls, constantly telling him about what Harry was doing. And after Voldemort returned...well they had only gotten worse.

Suddenly, the phone calls went from being monthly calls to becoming daily calls.

...

"Harry is currently residing at Privet Drive!"

...

"Harry is eating his breakfast!"

...

"Harry is taking a shower!"

...

"Harry is writing a letter!"

...

"Harry is taking another shower!"

...

If Prussia heard one more thing about Harry goddamned Potter he was going to explode. Goddammit...he couldn't take it anymore - and there wasn't much that an awesome person like himself couldn't handle!

Prussia needed to do something about this. And fast.

...Then he got an idea.

...

"It's a brilliant idea!" he said, beaming widely at his two best friends, France and Spain. The other two nations glanced at him with interest; all they had needed to hear was the first part of Prussia's speech: "This will bring about the end of England's constant talks about Harry Potter!"

They had immediately been hooked; like Prussia, they too were plagued by England's phone calls. And like him, they too were sick and tired of them.

"So...you're saying we should kidnap Harry?" Spain questioned, just to be sure. "And convince him to hate England?"

"Yeah!" Prussia beamed. "It'll destroy the idiot's pride, and then he'll be too embarrassed to brag about the guy anymore!"

"That is true," France noted. "Remember? England used to act this way about America...constantly jumping from person to person, telling them about the boy's every movement..."

All three shuddered at the memory.

"I think this will work," France said, nodding.

Spain nodded. "Yeah," he said. "And if we don't try it...well, we'll never know if we could have freed ourselves from this agony."

"So then, you guys are in?" Prussia demanded.

Without hesitation, France and Spain both nodded.

...

Far away in Privet Drive, Harry Potter was utterly oblivious to what would soon be coming.

...

**AN:**

**Okay...so, this is a new fic. Updates might be a bit slow at first since I'm working on two other fics but then, I never really know how these things turn out...so the next update could be tomorrow, or next week, or next month.**

**Really, I just wanted to see if anyone liked this fic concept. I'd love to hear your feedback so, review please!**


	2. In Which The Trio Kick Arse

"So, what's the plan again?" France asked as he, Spain and Prussia stood on the outskirts of Privet Drive, staring at the rows of houses in front of them.

"We go to Harry's house," Spain replied, "and we tell Harry's relatives, the Dursleys, that we are friends of Harry's from that Wizarding school of his, and that we need to see him. Then, we grab him and make a run for it."

"Ah. Yes." France paused and frowned. "And why are you dressed so hideously?"

"We're supposed to be wizards!" Prussia butted in. "Remember? And what do you mean why are _we _dressed so hideously - what are _you _wearing?"

"I'll have you know," France said, straightening his sparkly pink cloak, and fixing his jeweled tiara. "That I look like a true magical being!"

Spain snorted. "Yeah. From one of your sick fantasies, maybe."

France scowled at him. "Well at least I don't look like I belong in the Wizard of Oz!"

"Wait." Prussia frowned at Spain. "You...actually do look a lot like the Wicked Witch of the West."

Spain flushed. "Uh...I didn't know how a wizard looked." He straightened the pointy black hat on his head, and stared at the floor in embarrassment. "So I just got a few ideas from the Wizard of Oz."

"...So that's why you painted your face green?" Prussia asked, disbelievingly.

Spain nodded his head.

"Thats so not awesome."

"Well what about you?" Spain shot back. "You're wearing a teddy-bear bed-sheet and an orange cone you picked up off the road!"

"I didn't have a lot of time!" Prussia said, defensively. "West kept coming into my room, asking me if I was 'feeling all right' and if I'd 'had too much to drink again.'"

France scoffed, giving Prussia a long look. "I'm not surprised."

"Oh shut up," Prussia muttered. "I'm more awesome than both of you."

"Hey, guys, shut up!" Spain interrupted. "We're here! This is the house."

"What, already?" Prussia looked gleeful. "That's awesome! Now we can set our plan into motion, and laugh in England's face when we're done!"

Prussia leapt forward and slammed into the door. It fell straight of it's hinges.

"SUCK IT LOSERS!" he screamed. "THE AWESOME ME HAS ARRIVED!"

A family sat on the couch - a mother, a father and two small children. All four screamed in fear.

"I'm invading your vital regions!" Prussia cackled, as Spain and France walked in behind him.

"Haha, just joking!" He let out a loud laugh, as the family stared at him in horror. "You're not Nations so I can't invade your vital regions - but that's not the point. The point is, you fell for my awesome joke, which just proves how awesome I am!"

"Mummy," whimpered one of the children. "What's the crazy man saying?"

The mother pulled both her children close, attempting to cover their ears with her hands. "Don't listen, pumpkins," she told them. "Mummy won't let them take you away."

"Um...Prussia..." Spain sounded hesitant. "...I think we got the wrong house."

There was an awkward pause. The trio stood still, staring at the horrified family in front of them.

"Well..." France laughed, awkwardly. "We have found ourselves in a bit of an awkward situation, hmm? I suppose it is up to Big Brother France to make this all better."

France sauntered over to the family. The father, whose eyes looked ready to bug out of his head, leapt up to shield his wife and two children.

"Back away!" he snarled.

"Calm down, Monsieur," France said, holding up his hands. "My only wish is to rectify this mistake with the gift of _love."_

He winked at the mother and the two children. The mother let out a little scream and pulled her children closer.

"What the hell do you mean by that, you pervert?!" spat the father, looking at France with disgust.

"Nothing!" Spain rushed forward and slung an arm around France's shoulders, pulling him back. "He doesn't mean anything!"

"Well of course I mean something," France argued, frowning at Spain. "After all, the art of love is no joking matter. And that scrumptious woman sitting on the couch -"

"Excuse me!" bellowed the man. "Thats my wife you're talking about!"

"Call the police!" the woman shrieked, now shaking with fear. "Just call the police, for heavens sake!"

"Haha!" Spain laughed, nervously. "Okay, guys, we really need to get out of here!"

"Yeah!" Prussia agreed, nodding his head. "These losers don't deserve to be in the presence of the awesome me. They're all weepy and shaky - they should be on their knees, with their eyes filled with joy and awe at the sight of -"

"- Guys, he's on the phone" Spain said, his eyes flickering nervously to the man. "And I heard him asking for the police -"

"Don't cut me off!" Prussia snapped. "I'm too awesome to be cut off...anyway, where was I? Ah, yes...these people should by on their knees with joy and awe, because the sight of me should render them speechless! They should be filled with gratitude, because I gave their useless lives some meaning! I am AWESOME and therefore a small part of them is also awesome by association! But not as awesome as _ME!"_

Prussia lifted his arms in the air and stared expectantly at the people in front of him, as if waiting for applause.

There was an awkward pause.

"Are you done yet?" Spain asked.

"...Yeah, pretty much," Prussia replied.

"Good," he said. "Because the guy just hung up the phone."

"I am France!" France told the family, as Spain and Prussia dragged him out of the house. "And my love is so strong that it will stay with you forever! Oh _hon hon hon hon!"_

...

"Well," Spain said, once they had ran away from the house. "That went...horribly."

"Yeah," Prussia agreed. "I wasted some of my awesomeness on a bunch of losers. Whatever. Let's go find those Dursleys."

The trio walked down the road, a silence stretched between them. It didn't last long.

"I wonder why that woman didn't react to my charms?" France frowned. "She seemed afraid of me. I know we broke into her house and all, but...oh well. I'm sure it was only the presence of you two that scared her."

"Oh course it was," Prussia agreed. "My presence is so awesome it could intimidate anyone."

"Is this the right house?" Spain asked, squinting up at the building in front of him, which was an exact replica of every other house on the street.

"I can't tell." France frowned. "They all look the same."

"Boooooooring," Prussia groaned. "Can we invade this street and make it awesome?"

"We can't invade a street in England," Spain pointed out.

"No," France agreed. "We can only kidnap of of his citizens. Come friends - let us go get Monsieur Harry Potter!"

"Yeah!" both Spain and Prussia agreed, beaming widely. They stared at the house for a few more moments.

"...Seriously though, are you sure we can't invade this street?" Prussia frowned. "I don't think England would mind; it's so boring."

"Yes." France nodded his head. "It reminds me of that one country no one remembers."

Prussia frowned. "Do you mean Canada?" he asked. "Didn't you raise the guy?"

"Actually, I was talking about that annoying little fellow in the sailor costume," France replied. "But that other one works too."

Spain walked up to the door and knocked.

"Spain!" Prussia protested. "You can't just _knock _on a door! If you do, I can't do my awesome entrance!"

Spain ignored him and stared at the door expectantly. A moment later a skinny giraffe-like woman opened the door.

"Dear Lord," France said, putting a hand to his mouth. "That woman...she...she"

"Ugh." Prussia wrinkled his nose. "I swear, if you say she's beautiful or some other sappy shit -"

"Is that a joke?" France looked horrified. "I was going to say she looks as if she came out of a horse's backside after it had eaten a batch of Angleterre's scones!"

"Can I help you?" the woman - who the trio decided must have been Petunia Dursley - asked, before taking in the sight of the three people in front of her. She then screamed.

"If England's scones could scream," Prussia said, sounding horrified, "that's how they would sound."

"Forget the scones." France sounded faint. "She sounds like Angleterre. And the worst thing is, he _can _scream."

"YOU FREAKS!" screeched the woman. "GET OF MY DOORSTEP! GET AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK! _GET AWAY!"_

A pokey little boy - Dumpy or something like that; none of the trio could quite remember - came running to the doorway, attracted by the woman's screams. Then, he too began to scream.

"Calm down," Spain said, struggling to gain control of the situation. "We aren't going to hurt you!"

"HEY LOSERS!" Prussia yelled over the screaming. "THAT'S RIGHT, YOU SHOULD BE TREMBLING AT THE SIGHT OF THE AWESOME ME!"

"Will love fix this?" France whispered to Prussia. "Will be love make this all okay?"

Prussia frowned. "...Probably not."

"Good." France shuddered. "Those _things_ should not be loved."

As Mrs. Dursley and Dumpy continued to scream, another man joined them on the doorstep. France's eyes widened in alarm.

"My God," he said, shaking his head. "I wonder if Angleterre knows what sort of people he has hidden in his country?"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?!" bellowed the Mr. Dursley.

"Um..." Spain looked confused for a moment, before remembering what his cover was supposed to be for this 'mission.'

"I'm a wizard!" he replied. "And I need to see Harry Potter -"

"THERE IS NO HARRY POTTER HERE!" screamed Mr. Dursley. "GO AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK TO THIS HOUSE AGAIN! THERE'S NO BLOODY HARRY POTTER HERE!"

"Did we get the wrong house again?" France frowned.

Suddenly Mrs. Dursley burst out of the doorway, wielding a broomstick.

"Get out of my house!" she shrieked, pummeling Spain with the wooden object. The Spaniard yelped in pain and shielded his head with his hands.

"Vernon!" Mrs. Dursley yelled. "There's another broomstick in the cupboard!"

"But," Mr. Dursley said, suddenly sounding nervous. "Don't you think those...people...will be angry if we injure some of their crowd?"

"These people are probably considered freaks even in that crowd!" spat Mrs. Dursley. "They'd probably thank us."

She smashed the broomstick across Spain's groin, causing him to scream in pain.

"Guys!" Spain wailed. "Help me!"

Prussia and France watched in horror.

Mrs. Dursley repeated her action. Spain screamed again.

"You traitors!" Spain cried. "I thought you were my friends!"

A moment later, Prussia and France were hammered on the head with a broomstick.

"W-what?" France whirled around, startled to see a furious Vernon Dursley standing behind him. "When did he get there?"

"Dammit!" Prussia howled. "That broomstick isn't cool enough to touch the awesome being that is me!"

And then it all descended into chaos.

Prussia and France ran in every direction, trying to get rid of Mr. Dursley (who was already starting to pant from the physical activity). Spain was trying to smack the broomstick away every time it came down on his head; and Dumpy (no wait, it was Dudley wasn't it?) stood on the doorstop, staring in horror.

Spain let out a startled yelp and France crashed into him, sending him toppling to the floor. Prussia dived on top of them a moment later, crying out something about being too awesome to be left out from the group tackle.

Things started to get even more confusing as the trio got sick of running away and began to strike back.

Prussia kicked Mr. Dursley in his groin and managed to grab the broomstick from him, but ended up sprawled on the floor a moment later when Mrs. Dursley hit him across the back with hers.

Spain tackled Mrs. Dursley from behind and grabbed her broomstick from her, holding it above his head as if it were a trophy. Mr. Dursley grabbed his ankle and pulled him down, and Spain kicked him in the stomach, crying out in disgust when he felt his foot sink into it.

France groped Dudley's arse and Dudley screamed.

When France realized exactly what he was holding, _he _screamed.

...

"I don't understand," France whimpered, as Prussia and Spain dragged him away from the 'battle.' "My hand has never failed me before."

The fight had stretched on for about an hour or so, before Mr and Mrs. Dursley had realized that a crowd had begun to gather. Mrs. Dursley had abruptly dropped her broomstick and had started going around, asking if anyone wanted to come in for a cup of tea.

While the Dursley's backs had been turned, Spain, Prussia and France had made a run for it.

"Those bastards," Prussia spat. "How dare they assume that their broomsticks were worthy to touch the awesome me! My army will crush them!"

"You don't have an army anymore," Spain pointed out, glumly trying to massage a lump growing from the back of his head.

"Goddammit!" Prussia cursed. He shook his head, forcing a smile back onto his face. "I'll just borrow West's army then!"

"Germany doesn't let you borrow his men anymore," France reminded him. "Not since we took them out to that strip club last month, and used his credit card to pay for everything."

"That amount of horny men around that amount of half-naked women," Spain shook his head, whistling. "Wasn't a good idea."

"What are you talking about?" Prussia asked, glumly. "France was the reason for half of the bill!"

The three continued to walk and argue amongst themselves.

"Stop!" Spain cried, suddenly. France and Prussia jerked to a halt. Spain pointed.

"That's Harry's window," he said.

France frowned. "How do you know?"

"Because we looked through every other window," Spain replied. "And if that isn't his, then it means we got the wrong house again."

"Yeah," Prussia said. "And that would be _completely not awesome _guys!"

"So what now?" France asked, staring at the window above him. "We're not going to climb up there, are we? I don't think my beautiful, perfect hands could handle the pressure."

"Think of England's face when we destroy him," Spain replied.

France thought for a moment, before nodding his head.

"Thank you, Spain," he said. "That was all the motivation I needed."

...

**AN:**

**Okay, so this DIDN'T take as long as I thought it would. Actually, thats thanks to all you guys :D I'm so thankful to everyone who reviewed, and you guys motivated me to write this next chapter faster.**

**I hope you like it as much as you did the first one :D Once again, thank you for all your reviews!**


	3. In Which Harry Is Kidnapped

Harry was having a lovely dream.

He was riding on his broomstick, and Cho Chang was sitting behind him. Her slim arms were wrapped around his waist, and the smell of her flowery perfume was wafting through his nostrils. Both of them were laughing and glancing at the ground below them, where Voldemort was being burnt alive on a stake.

It was the first good dream Harry had experienced in ages...and it didn't involve Cedric. That was always a bonus. So naturally, Harry hadn't been too eager to wake up.

When he finally did and caught sight of a strange white haired man standing over him, smiling maniacally...well, you can understand why he wasn't overjoyed.

"The awesome Prussia is here!" the man announced, cackling in an odd accent that Harry worked out to be German.

"Hola! I'm Spain!" said another man near his shoulder (Sweet Merlin, there were more of them).

"And best of all - I am France!" a long haired blonde man announced, winking flirtatiously. Harry backed away, his eyes wide.

"Who the hell are you?!" he demanded, feeling around for his wand.

The Spanish man coughed, looking amused. "Not too bright, is he?" he murmured to the Frenchman.

"I told you already, loser!" The German rolled his eyes. "I am the awesome Prussia! Now come with me so that I can make you hate England, therefore allowing us to be free from England's totally uncool phone calls."

Harry gave up searching for his wand and grabbed a nearby book, lifting it up and slamming it down on the German's head.

The white haired man let out a howl of pain; his two companions looked on in surprise and alarm.

Harry shook his head; it was funny really. From their expressions, it was almost as if they had expected this all to go _well._

_..._

Prussia reared back, letting out a startled string of curses.

"Goddammit!" he howled. "What is _with_ this family and physical abuse?!"

"Just back off!" Harry snapped, glowering at him viciously. "I'm not in the mood to deal with you or your master!"

"Our master?" France frowned. "What does he mean by that?"

Spain shook his head. "I have no idea..."

Another book slammed on his head.

"Dammit, I am done with this family!" Prussia snarled. He fumbled around for his gun, fully prepared to shoot the shit out of the annoying brat (besides, it would effectively shut England up, wouldn't it?) before he remembered that he had left his gun at home. Goddammit.

Suddenly Harry was pointing a long brown stick at him.

"...Is he pointing a stick at you?" Spain frowned.

Prussia squinted at it. "I think it's supposed to be a magic wand," he replied, his anger momentarily forgotten in his curiosity.

"That cannot be," France said, walking up to Prussia and gazing at the wand in confusion. "I have seen Angleterre's wand...it is much more...fancy than that."

Prussia snickered. "Are we still talking about wands in a literal sense?"

Spain, France and Prussia all let out loud, slightly perverted laughs.

"Stupefy!" Harry yelled, and a jet of red light flew out of his wand, slamming into Prussia's chest. The white-haired Nation whirled around to glare at him.

"I really dislike you!" he cried, jabbing a finger in Harry's direction. "We were having fun and telling awesome jokes, and then you had to go and butt in! And now I can't laugh at the joke anymore, because _you're looking at me and I hate you, dammit!"_

"Prussia!" Spain lay a hand on his friends shoulder. "Just calm down."

"He keeps hitting me on the head with books!" Prussia snapped. "The Awesome Me shouldn't be treated that way! Those books don't deserve to touch my awesome head!"

"W-what?"

The trio all turned back towards Harry - who was gaping at Prussia with wide, disbelieving eyes.

"How come...how are you not...?" he gazed at his wand in confusion.

"Ha! Yes!" Prussia grinned widely. "Behold - my utter awesomeness!"

"Stupefy!" Harry cried again. Once again, nothing happened. Harry let out a distressed cry.

"Okay." Prussia frowned. "This is getting kind of boring. Does anyone want to knock out the kid and put our plan into motion?"

"Oh! Yes!" France beamed. "I have planned a variety of amazing torture techniques!"

"Nothing perverted," Spain reminded him. France looked offended.

"Of course not! What sort of man do you take me for!" He glanced at Harry and let out a small, perverted string of laughter. "Oh hon hon hon!"

Harry backed away. "Stay away from me -"

Prussia slammed a book down on his head (hard). Harry dropped to the bed, unconscious.

"Ha!" Prussia laughed, loudly.

"Okay," Spain said, reaching out to drag Harry off the bed. "Now what? How are we going to get out of this house?"

"Perhaps, if we hide him under our clothes..."

Spain and Prussia whirled around to stare at France with wide, disbelieving eyes.

"...You're joking right?" Prussia asked. "France, buddy...there are a lot of things you can hide under your clothes. However..."

"...A person is not one of them," Spain finished.

France scoffed. "I don't see you coming up with any better ideas."

"How about we throw him out the window?" Prussia suggested, sounding more than a little gleeful.

"The plan is to kidnap him, not to kill him," Spain reminded him.

"...Are you sure hiding him under our clothes is out of the question?" France frowned.

"Yes," Spain and Prussia recited simultaneously.

A sudden scream halted the conversation.

"No..." Spain moaned, his hands flying to his groin. "Please, no..."

The trio slowly turned to the doorway, dreading what they would find there. What they saw made them all groan out loud.

The Dursleys.

Mrs. Dursley clutched her throat, her face white with fear. Mr. Dursley stood next to her, scowling viciously. Dudley stood behind both his parents, his eyes wide and his hands clutching his backside, as he looked at France with fear.

...Then they spotted Harry.

Mrs. Dursley's eyes widened and rapidly flickered between the trio and her unconscious nephew. She seemed to be piecing together the situation, figuring out what was going on - the trio all exchanged panicked looks.

"It's not what it looks like..." Spain said, trying to quell the disaster-to-be.

"Love will -"

"No," Spain and Prussia cut off whatever France was about to say.

"What are you doing with that boy?" Mr. Dursley asked (to the trio's surprise, he didn't sound angry).

"Nothing you need to worry about," Spain said, hurriedly.

"Of course you need to worry," Prussia scoffed, rolling his eyes. "The presence that the Awesome Me radiates is so intimidating that your nephew will probably be wetting his pants for years to come!"

"...Like I said," Spain laughed, nervously. "Nothing you need to worry about."

Mr. Dursley blinked. "Are you taking the boy away?"

"That is such a strong conclusion!" France said, shaking his head. "We will be returning him...we promise!"

Mr. Dursley's eyes widened. "Please don't."

The trio stared at him, uncomprehendingly.

Then Mrs. Dursley burst into tears.

Spain jumped. "Oh, no..." he moaned.

"Crying females..." France looked depressed. "Usually I would take advantage of the situation but...oh, why must she be such an unattractive woman?"

"Oh thank you," sobbed Mrs. Dursley. "Thank you! You don't know how many years I've been waiting for this...waiting for the day someone came to take that freak away from here! Thank you!"

"Ha, you hear that?" Prussia looked proud. "She's _thanking _us. How awesome am I?"

"Do you need any help getting him out of the house?" Vernon asked, sounding overly eager.

...

This time Harry didn't dream about Cho Chang

He didn't dream about flying through the sky on his broomstick.

He didn't dream about Voldemort suffering a painful demise.

All in all, he didn't have a particularly amazing sleep...but he was still annoyed to wake up. After all, he had an inkling off what would happen when he opened his eyes. That annoying German voice only proved this notion.

"Guys, he's waking up!" someone shook Harry violently. He yelped, his eyes flying open. "Hey, Loser." The white-haired man grinned. "How lucky are you, to wake up and see the face of the awesome me?"

"Monsieur Potter," the Frenchman smiled at him. "It is good to see that you are awake."

"Hola." the Spanish man waved.

"What the hell do you want?" Harry demanded. The German man tapped a finger to his chin, looking contemplative.

"What do I want? Hmm...well I want a lot of things," he replied. "I want to be supreme ruler of the universe with a massive, awesome army, and tons of money and female-attention, for instance. But most of all...I want to give that annoying Austria a massive wedge, and then laugh in his face for all eternity."

Harry stared at him, blankly.

"But what do I want with you, specifically? Well, I suppose after extensive amounts of agony and torture you will be finding out."

He laughed, manically.

_"Oh hon hon hon," _laughed the Frenchman.

"...Basically, we want you to tell England you hate him. Then we'll let you go home," the Spanish man told him.


	4. In Which The Order Tries To Be Useful

Harry's eyes flickered between the grinning trio; he tried to come up with some rational explanation for the events that were currently occurring.

"I think you broke him," 'Spain' whispered to 'Prussia' (what in Merlin's name was Prussia again?).

"Of course I did," Prussia replied, rolling his eyes. "My awesomeness is strong enough to break even the most...strong people."

"...Sometimes I wonder if you're running out of ways to express your 'awesomeness,'" Spain said.

Prussia scowled. "Shut up. That still doesn't change the fact that I am better than all of you."

"You're insane."

The three males turned to stare at Harry.

"Did you say something, Monsieur?" 'France' asked, politely.

_"YOU'RE INSANE!" _Harry yelled, spittle flying from his mouth. Prussia yelped, backing away, and glancing at him in disgust.

"Dammit, watch what comes out of your mouth!" he growled.

"Don't tell me what to do!" Harry yelled back. "You bloody kidnapped me, you psychopaths - and don't try to deny that you're crazy, just _look _at you!"

He moved to wave a hand at them - and then, to his horror, realized that his arms were tied behind his back. A growing frustration mounted inside him; Harry felt like screaming.

"What do you mean?!" Prussia demanded, looking like he was moments away from punching Harry. Spain and France both shot him wary looks. "You only wish you were as awesome as me!"

"Of for crying out loud!" Harry snapped. "Look at what you're _wearing!"_

Prussia put his hands on his hips, not even considering the fact that he may have looked less than normal with a traffic cone sticking up on his head.

"I don't see anything wrong with it." He glanced at Spain. "It's all your fault, Spain - you and your Wizard of Oz costume."

"I didn't know what a wizard looked like!" Spain shot back, defensively. With a glance at Harry he added, almost conspicuously, "we're wizards, by the way."

"We already kidnapped him," France pointed out. "We don't really need to keep up appearances."

"Well too bad," Prussia replied, defiantly. "Because I _like _my magic hat!"

"Traffic cone," Spain interjected.

_"Magic hat."_

"Who bloody _cares," _Harry snarled.

France frowned. "Monsieur Potter," he reprimanded, "hasn't anyone told you that it is rude to interrupt."

Harry choked in disbelief. "Oh I'm _sorry," _he snapped, sarcastically.

Prussia shrugged. "You're forgiven, I guess," he replied, ignoring Harry's disbelieving splutters. "So...how about we get started then."

He rubbed his hands gleefully; Harry swallowed heavily, suddenly remembering what the man had said about 'excessive amounts of agony and torture.'

Then he began to speak.

And when Harry said speak...he meant _speak. _Like the 'please-shut-up-before-one-of-us-ends-up-with-goug ed-eyeballs' type of speaking.

Prussia, or whoever the hell he was, better have been glad that Harry's arms were currently tied behind his back.

"First of all," Prussia said, "England sucks. A lot. He is completely annoying and has the ability to drive a man crazy...plus, he lacks all the awesomeness that makes up a person like me! So yes, those are some of the reasons he sucks...oh and also..."

...This speech went on for about another hour.

"...So," Spain said, glancing awkwardly at Prussia. "Are you actually going to start listing some of the reasons England sucks?"

"I thought I did." Prussia frowned.

"No," Harry interjected. "England lacking your 'awesomeness' and being nothing like you is not a reason to hate him...especially since I hate your guts. And sweet Merlin, I'm calling England a 'him'..."

"Shut up," Prussia snapped, glowering at Harry. "No one asked you."

"Ah!" France suddenly said, leaping forward. "I know - England has the most atrocious eyebrows."

"Oh yeah!" Spain said, nodding his head eagerly. "Those things are like caterpillars on his head. Anyone have the urge to shave them off when he's not looking?"

France put a hand to his chest. "I thought I was the only one!"

"Dude," Prussia said, shaking his head. "I've actually tried."

"Everyone's insane," Harry muttered.

"What seriously?!" Prussia exclaimed. "Caterpillar eyebrows aren't enough for you?" He shook his head, leaning over towards France and Spain. "Christ - I don't understand this kid, do you?"

"He hasn't seen the eyebrows," Spain reasoned. "That's probably why he doesn't understand them the way we do. I'm sure if he did see them, he'd probably share our urges to hold England down and rip the things right of his face."

"No I wouldn't," Harry retorted, loudly. "Because England isn't a _person."_

"Well of course he isn't a _person," _Prussia snorted. "Did I say that? I told you that he is the _personification _of a Nation! And a completely un-awesome one at that!"

"Yes." France nodded his head. "And not just because of his hideous eyebrows. There are other reasons...much deeper, darker reasons..."

"...He lost the American Revolution!" Spain suddenly broke in.

"Yeah!" Prussia exclaimed. "And who trained America for that awesome revolution of his. That's right - the _Awesome Me!"_

"Brilliant," Harry groaned. "So now we have an America as well. What next - Canada?"

Prussia, Spain and France all exchanged looks.

"And he thinks _we're _insane," Spain muttered, shaking his head. "At least we aren't the ones making up countries."

"England started World War 1!" Prussia suddenly announced, beaming widely. "Yet another reason why he isn't worthy to lick the ground I walk on!"

Spain frowned. "Um Prussia...I don't think that's completely accurate..."

"...And he isn't nearly as awesome as the Awesome Me, and he can't hold his alcohol for shit, and he started World War 2..."

"Prussia, seriously, where the hell are you getting your facts from?!" Spain demanded, incredulously.

"...He can't cook for shit," Prussia continued, completely ignoring Spain's comment. "...Oh and did I mention how he isn't nearly as awesome as me? Because he isn't...and he started World War 3..."

"Of for God's sake!" Spain groaned. "Prussia, now you're just making things up - there hasn't been a World War 3!"

"Yeah..." Prussia thought for a moment. "Well, if there ever is, I'll bet he'll be the one to start it!"

"He took Canada from me," France added, scowling slightly.

Prussia and Spain frowned. "Who?"

Harry let out a frustrated howl. "You're all bloody insane!"

Then the Order broke through the doors, screaming a bunch of random insults and cries of Harry's name. Of course, at the moment, Harry had no idea who the Order was...but he recognized Remus and Sirius in the small crowd, as well as Moody, which put him at ease.

"Thank Merlin," he called out to them. "These people are all insane...they think they're countries or something."

"Harry!" Sirius cried, relived. He turned to glower furiously at the trio. "You bastards - what the hell did you do to my Godson?!"

Spain held his hands up, trying to quell the situation. "Calm down," he said, soothingly. "We haven't done anything to him -"

"Yes, yes," Prussia interrupted, nodding his head. "The torture hasn't begun yet."

Spain's eyes widened and he leaned close to Prussia's ear, whispering; "Don't tell them that - they'll go and get the wrong idea!"

"How could they possibly get the wrong idea?" France frowned. "Prussia has been quite clear on what we are planning to do to Monsieur Potter."

"Let Harry go!" yelled the only female member of the Order currently present. France perked up, studying her with hungry eyes.

"Oh _hon hon hon," _he chuckled. "And who may you be, my dear?"

"I'm Tonks!" spat the women, scowling at France with a deadly look in her eyes. "And why the hell are you looking at me like that?!"

"Oh, she is ravishing," France breathed. "Ah, my dear," he said, in a louder voice, "please put that stick away and let me take you out for some coffee, hmm? And then maybe we can share sexual relations in the bedroom -"

"Oh God." Spain slapped his forehead.

_"Stupefy!" _screamed Tonks. The spell hit France smack-dab on the chest.

Nothing happened.

"Stupefy!" Tonks yelled, again. Once again, nothing happened. Tonk's stood still - along with the rest of the Order - staring open mouth in confusion.

"That stopped being awesome a while ago", Prussia said, glancing around the room in boredom.

The Order continued to blink in confusion.

"Yeah," Harry sighed. "I had pretty much the same reaction."

"Who the hell are you people?!" Moody demanded.

Prussia stepped forward, looking eager at the prospect of yet another introduction. "I am the awesome -"

"- Uh" Harry cut him off. "Do you mind if I do it?"

Prussia stared at him, looking too confused by the statement to answer.

"Go ahead, Monsieur Potter," France replied.

"They are psychopathic escapees from a mental institution, that think they are the personifications of three countries."

"Spain, Prussia and France to be exact," France added. "Although I wouldn't call Prussia a country...he stopped being one quite some time ago."

"Oh shut up," Prussia snapped, sour at the mention of one of his most hated topics. "My armies could still crush you, even when they are non existent!"

"That makes no sense," France responded.

Prussia snorted. "When you're awesome like me, you don't need to make sense."

"Merlin, they _are _insane," Moody muttered, shaking his head.

"Let Harry go!" Tonks cried, scowling at the trio.

Sirius began to scream out spells, starting off with simple 'stupefies' and moving on to more and more violent ones. The Order joined in, none of them seeming to get the picture that spells simply didn't seem to have an effect on the Nations.

France glanced at Spain and Prussia, completely ignoring the flashes of light surrounding him.

"Shall I go bring some rope and duck tape?" he asked.

"Yes," Prussia replied. "And bring some snacks as well...I'm hungry and I have a feeling that this will be taking a while."

The Order kept on yelling out spells; for some reason, none of them even considered attacking the Nations physically.

"My God, these wizards are quite dense, aren't they?" France commented, with a shake of his head. "They don't seem to realize that their pretty lights have no effect on us."

"Hey!" Harry exclaimed. "Don't insult them!"

The trio ignored them.

"You know, those Dursley's caused more damage than these guys" Spain said. "Wizards kind of suck."

"I like the lights though," Prussia commented, watching them with wide eyes. "They're kind of awesome...not as awesome as me of course."

The trio stood still, watching the light show for a moment.

"...Okay, I'm bored now." Prussia's shoulders slumped. "Let's knock these guys out and tie them up."

"We need to do something!" Remus said, sounding frustrated. "I don't think this is working!"

A moment later he hit the floor, unconscious.

"Remus!" Sirius cried; soon, he too joined his friend.

In less than half a minute the entire Order had been incapacitated. The trio of nations stood still, blinking in confusion and surprise.

"...That was so easy, it was almost sad," Spain commented. He turned to Harry. "Seriously, that was your rescue party?"

Harry looked embarrassed. "...They probably were just having a bad day."

France snorted. "Dumpy scared me more than they did."

Harry frowned. "Dumpy?"

"Yes." France waved a hand. "You know...your fat cousin."

"You mean _Dudley?"_

"Yes...him." France shuddered.

"You're relatives are pretty scary," Spain told Harry. "I don't think my balls are properly attached since your aunt got to them."

He too, shuddered.

"The awesome me didn't get scared," Prussia bragged. He glanced down at the unconscious Order. "Now help me tie these losers up!"

**AN:**

**Review and tell me what you think?**


	5. In Which The Hero Arrives

Everyone woke up at around the same time.

Groans, moans and other odd sounds could be heard around the room, as the four present members of the Order slowly began to regain conciousness.

"What the -?" Sirius moaned.

"Oh" Harry said, raising an eyebrow at his Godfather. "You guys are finally up."

Sirius blinked, seeming to remember the situation he was in. A moment later his face darkened with rage.

"YOU BASTARDS!" he yelled. "LET US GO!"

"Oh _hon hon hon..._look who is awake" France winked flirtaciously at Tonks, who immediately jerked back, as if she had been burned.

"Stay away from me, you sick bastard!" she spat.

"You guys will get sick of insulting them eventually" Harry told them. "After a while, it kind of loses it's novelty."

Moody, ignoring Harry, glowered viciously at the trio. "What the hell are you, you sick bastards?" he demanded.

"Oh my, they are all calling us bastards..." Spain sighed, looking wistful. "It reminds me of my sweet Romano..."

"I asked you a question!" Moody snarled.

"Oh calm your horses" Prussia said, rolling his eyes.

All the while, France watched Moody, staring at him through squinted eyes. Moody shot him a dark look; France took a step back, looking distubed.

"Monsieur, you are truly hideous, do you know that?"

Moody scoffed. "At least I'm not a maniac!"

"Hmmm...I beg to differ" Prussia replied, butting into the conversation. "Anyway, to answer your question - who are we? Well...I am the most amazing, sexy, AWESOME Nation in the universe, Prussia...and these two are Spain and France, my less-awesome companions."

"Are you seriously idiots or something?" Sirius half-scoffed, half-demanded. "You aren't Nations...if you're going to lie about it, at least make it convincing. I mean, you made up a country, for Merlin's sake!"

"I did not!" Prussia retorted.

"Then what the hell is _Prussia?!"_

Prussia jerked back, his eyes wide in disbelief. _"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!" _he howled, the fury in his voice stunning everyone. "Prussia is the most amazing country in the WORLD and you better get than into your head, you Loser!"

Spain sighed and shot his friend a reproachful look. He turned to Sirius. "Ages back, before Germany was united as one single country, there were all these little Kingdoms. Prussia was one of them. Then they all unified...and, well, you get the idea."

"...So what you're saying is, you're Germany" Sirius said, at last.

_"NO!" _Prussia snarled. "I AM NOT GERMANY - HE IS MY TOTALLY UNAWESOME LITTLE BROTHER!"

Sirius cocked his head to the side. "If you were a part of Germany, then why is he the younger brother? It would make sense for him to be older."

"I wasn't a - GODDAMMIT, I'M JUST MORE AWESOME, OKAY?!"

...

While this conversation was taking place, France was busy trying to flirt with Tonks. Obviously, he was failing horribly...which was only to be expected. After all he _had _knocked her out and tied her up.

"Ahh, Madmoiselle, you're hair is like strands of the softest silk!" France purred.

Obviously he had yet to pick up on the mood...or he had and he just didn't care.

"Keep talking and you won't even last a few seconds once I get out of here!" Tonks threatened.

"I doubt that" France replied. "But if it will make you want to sleep with me -"

"NO! I DON'T want to sleep with you!" Tonks snapped, her expression growing darker and darker by the second.

"Oh _hon hon hon..._Madmoiselle, I doubt that" France chuckled. "There is not a man, woman or thing on this Earth that does not want to sleep with France!"

Spain and Prussia, hearing this, exchanged looks.

Tonks breathed heavily. "I don't want to sleep with someone who kidnapped me and tied me up!"

Spain butted into the conversation. "To be fair" he said. "We only kidnapped Potter over there. You lot entered on your own accord."

"Oh, why don't you just shut up?" Tonks scowled.

...

Remus watched the so-called 'Nations' while shaking his head in disbelief. They were obviously lunatics; he'd known even before they'd started their mad rambles about Spain, and France, and that other country that didn't exist.

For Merlin's sake, their clothes were a dead give away!

Prussia caught him looking at them and turned to face him. "What?" the white-haired man demanded.

"...Why are you dressed that way?" he asked, slightly nervous.

Spain frowned. "What do you mean? We're wizards."

"Yes...and we are sexier than your lot" France added, fluffing up his hair and fixing the sparkly tiara on his head. "Well at least _I _am" he added, shooting a glance at his two companions.

"Oh shut up, my magic hat thrashes both of your outfits!" Prussia shot back.

Spain snorted. "I don't see a magic hat."

Prussia's face darkened. "It's not a traffic cone!" he snarled.

Remus shook his head, feeling slightly amused despite the situation. He turned his head towards the Spaniard.

"So..." he said. "Why do you look like a character from that Muggle movie?"

"Oh shut up" Spain scowled.

"You know we aren't the only people who know where Harry is, right" Moody suddenly spoke up. "There is an entire group of us - The Order - and when we don't return, they'll realize something is wrong."

Spain beamed. "Oh goody - another light show!" he exclaimed, eagerly.

At that exact moment, the door burst open, and an obnoxiously loud voice blared through the small, enclosed area.

"DON'T WORRY EVERYONE; THE HERO IS HERE!"

"Ha!" Harry grinned. "Take that - the rest of the Order has arrived!"

"...He isn't a member of the Order" Moody frowned.

Harry blinked. "What?"

"Yeah" Sirius agreed. "I don't even know who he is...do any of your guys?"

"Oh, that's just America" Prussia said, offhandedly.

"...Please tell me you're joking" Harry groaned, his shoulders slumping.

"Oh brilliant. Another lunatic to add to the bunch" Moody stated, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

A blonde man entered the room, stepping over the debris from the broken door. He gazed around the room, smiling widely. The Order stared at him, taking his blonde hair, blue eyes, glasses and bomber jacket.

"Ah, Amerique, it is good to see you" France said, smiling pleasantly.

America blinked and then, his smile grew even wider. "Oh, hey France!" he said, cheerfully. "Hey Spain, hey Prussia!"

The other two murmured hello's.

"So, where was I?" America wondered out loud. "Oh yeah - don't worry Harry Potter, and he rest of you random dudes! I'll help you!"

"Oh for Merlin's sake, you're as mad as the rest of them!" Remus groaned. "Please tell me you don't really believe that you're America?"

"I know, right?" America grinned. "Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I'm the amazing, heroic Nation I am!"

Harry - along with the entire Order - all yelled; "YOU'RE NOT A NATION!"

"Wow...you'd think, being wizards and all, you guys would be more excepting" America shrugged his shoulders; he turned to the other three Nations. "So, how are you guys?"

"Good, good..." Spain replied, nodding his head. "Everything is fine in Spain; all of my people are well. Oh, and my little Romano is well too!"

"Ah...Romano" France sighed. "I remember when I wanted him so very badly. Maybe, if I had gotten my way, he would be less brutish and more willing to except the joys of love!"

Prussia scoffed. "Romano is fucking annoying."

"Don't talk about my Romano that way!" Spain cried, immediately jumping to the Italian's defence.

Harry coughed, interrupting the conversation. "Um, excuse me, 'America'...aren't you supposed to be rescuing us?"

America rolled his eyes. "Well duh, I'm the hero, aren't I?" he said, making it sound as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Harry stared at him. "...So could you untie us, then?"

America considered this for a moment. "Sure!" he announced, at last.

"Oh, come on" Spain groaned. "You're not really going to let them go, are you?"

"Yes - we need Monsieur Potter for our master plan!" France added.

"Oh yeah - I completely agree with that" America said.

Tonks groaned. "Brilliant...so the 'hero' agrees with our kidnapping. We're officially doomed."

"Yeah..." America sighed. "Too bad, I have to let them go. Seriously dudes, England's been driving me crazy. He's all; 'Harry is missing...without Harry we might as well crawl into a dark hole and cry because, without him, there is no future'...stuff like that, you know?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "So what, now there's an England too?"

America glanced at him oddly. "There's always been an England...you live there, you should know."

"...That's not what I meant" Harry sighed.

...

**AN:**

**Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! **

**Keep reviewing, because I love to hear what you think :D**


	6. In Which Voldemort Sucks More Than Usual

"So..." Prussia leaned against the wall, grinning lazily at America. "How did you manage to find this place?"

America shrugged. "Well, like I said, England was pissing the hell out of me" he explained. "And then I got this piece of paper, with directions to this place..."

"Why the hell were you looking through my stuff?!" Prussia demanded, sounding indignant.

"I wasn't" America replied. "You're brother gave it to me."

"Goddammit, West!" Prussia cursed, his hands clenching into tight fists. "Why the hell would he do something like that?!"

"Because England's driving him crazy as well" America replied, with a light shrug of his shoulders.

Spain joined the conversation. "Why do we even have directions to this place?"

"I thought it would be a good idea; in case on of us forgets" France explained. "It could happen" he added, seeing the slightly disbelieving look on Spain's face.

"Okay serious" Harry cut in. "Let us go now."

"Is this the great Harry Potter" America squinted at him, his eyes roaming over him as he studied him thoroughly. "He's not so special is he? ...That is one awesome scar though, dude."

"Yup..." Harry nodded his head, his voice filled with sarcasm. "It only took my parents lives for me to get it."

"...Wow, thanks for that, Mr. Bring-Down-The-Mood" America muttered.

"Look" Remus said, addressing America and sounding annoyed. "If you're really here to rescue us, ten let us go already!"

America frowned. "Oh yeah, I have to do that, don't I?"

Suddenly there was the sound of rapid footsteps and a tall figure appeared in the doorway.

Harry, along with the entire Order, simultaneously paled.

"...Dude, you're not normal" America said. "What the hell is wrong with your face?"

From his spot in the doorway, Voldemort chose to ignore America, instead turning to face Harry.

"Harry Potter!" he laughed. "Finally, the end has arrived for you!"

"What the hell did I do to deserve this?!" Harry demanded, his voice slightly hysteric. "What did I do to make my life such a load of _bullshit?!"_

"Harry! Watch you're language!" Remus reprimanded.

"Oh, shut up Moony" Sirius shot back.

"You, Potter, were an idiot to leave the blood protections" Voldemort continued to gloat. "Now I, Lord Voldemort, will destroy you!"

Harry stared at him, mouth open in disbelief. "...Seriously, Voldie" he said. "Take a good look at me and tell me that I honestly look like I _want _to be here!"

Voldemort stared at Harry for a moment.

"It doesn't matter to me!" he finally announced. "Either way, I will still get what I want!"

"Dammit, dammit, _dammit!" _cursed Moody, glowering furiously at the trio and America. "Look what you idiots have done!"

"...Dude. That guy has a snake face" Prussia said, shaking his head and grinning widely. _"Awesome."_

"It is people like this that make me feel thankful that the world still has beautiful faces like my own to keep it going" France murmured.

_"OH MY GOD _you have no nose!" America exclaimed.

"You insolent brat!" Voldemort spat, whirling on America. "I will end you!"

"Lie, wow" breathed America, his eyes growing wider. "Are you an alien like my alien buddy Tony?"

_"What?" _Voldemort snapped. "Did you not here me when I said -"

"Do. You. Know. Tony?" America asked, stressing each word, as if speaking to someone who could barely understand english.

"WHO THE HELL IS TONY?!" Voldemort howled.

"...So you don't know Tony?" America pouted. "Damn..."

"I'm sorry" Spain interrupted. "I can't get over the fact that the guy has no nose. Seriously, how do you breath?"

"I'm vaguely disturbed that none of them seem to be afraid of Voldemort" Tonks muttered.

_"AVADA KEDAVRA!" _Voldemort yelled, his voice filled with rage.

The spell slammed straight into America; nothing happened. The blonde nation stood there, blinking in confusion.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Voldemort howled.

"Dude!" America said, a grin spreading across his face and replacing his formerly confused expression. "That's some awesome shit!"

"Oooh, another light show!" Spain beamed.

"I love it!" France looked, and sounded, extremely pleased. "Excuse me, Monsieur - would you mind coming to a bar with me? Imagine all the female attention I would acquire wit an ugly beast like you standing behind me! Next to you, I will look like a beautiful flower - not that I need any help with that, of course!"

"AVADA KEDAVRA, AVADA KEDAVRA, AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"Seriously, why are all of these wizards so dense?" Spain exclaimed, shaking is head.

"The sad thing is, the fellow is right" Moody sighed. "Why did we just stand there, shooting spells?"

Sirius shrugged. "I did it because that's what I was taught to do in the face of danger."

Remus nodded. "Same."

"Same" Tonks said.

"Same" Harry sighed.

There was a moment of silence.

"...Wow" Sirius said, at least. "Hogwarts has really screwed us up, hasn't it?"

There was a sudden thumping sound; the wizards all glanced up just in time to see Voldemort collapse onto the ground, unconscious.

Everyone turned to stare at Prussia.

"...He was pissing me off" the ex-Nation snapped, defensively.

France sighed. "I'll go get the rope and duck tape."

"Haha, what a pussy!" America laughed.

"...As much as I hate them, I wonder if it would be possible to convince them to fight in the war" Harry muttered, looking regretful even as he said te words.

"Oh please" Sirius rolled his eyes. "Those people would probably overtake Voldemort and become the next lot of Dark Lord's."

"I wouldn't put it past them" Remus agreed, looking disturbed at the thought.

Moody was staring at Voldemort's prone body with an uncomfortable expression stretched across his face. "They aren't serious going to put Voldemort with us, are they?" he muttered.

Sirius considered his. "I kinda want to see his face when he wakes up" he admitted, after a moment.

...

**AN:**

**Haha, thanks for all your reviews. Please continue to do so, I love hearing what you guys have to say!**

**Also, I have a new fic out - "Secrets Are Meant To Be Broken." It's a Hetalia fic where the Nations are revealed to the world. Maybe you guys might like to check it out :D**


	7. In Which England's Insanity Is Revealed

When Voldemort finally woke up, he didn't waste any time before starting to scream his arse off.

_"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" _he howled. The Bad Touch Trio and America all glanced up from the floor, where they had been sitting and playing an hour-long game of 'Go Fish!'

"If I wasn't in the same situation as you, I'd be in hysterics right now" Harry said, glancing at Voldemort with slight amusement.

Moody scoffed. "This is ridiculous."

Prussia smirked and sauntered over. "Ahh! So the man with no nose finally awakens!" he came to stand directly in front of Voldemort, and let out a loud cackle. "Now tell me - HOW DO YOU BREATHE WITH NO NOSE?!"

"Yeah, dude, it's totally awesome!" America added. "Are you _sure _you don't know Tony?"

_"NO _I DONT KNOW TONY!" Voldemort yelled, fury and frustration mingled in his voice.

America stared at him for a moment. "...Dude, are you sure?" he said, at last.

"Let me out of here, dammit!" Voldemort screamed. "I need to destroy Potter! _Let me out of here!"_

Sirius, ignoring Voldemort's furious shouts, glared angrily at his captors. "Why are you doing this?!" he demanded.

"Oh Merlin..." groaned Harry. "You do _not _want to know..."

France frowned at Sirius. "What do you mean by that, Monsieur?" he asked, sounding confused.

"I mean...for Merlin's sake, why did you go and kidnap Harry?! And why did you kidnap us - I mean, I would have thought you were a Death Eater or something; someone working for Voldemort...but then you went and kidnapped _him _as well!"

"Well, we didn't actually intend to kidnap you" Spain pointed out. "You just kind of...ended up here."

"Damn" America cursed. "I missed the good part!"

Tonks spun her head around and glared in America's direction. "I thought you were meant to be saving us?!"

"...I'll get to that in a minute" America said, after a brief pause.

Sirius seemed irritated that the conversation seemed to be drifting away from his question. "Are you going to answer my question or not?" he demanded.

Prussia looked thoughtful for a moment. "So you want to know why the awesome me - and co - decided to kidnap the annoying, totally unawesome loser over there?" he mused, gesturing over in Harry's direction. "Well...England was driving us _insane _and, I don't know about my friends, but I'm much to awesome to have to deal with that."

"This is just ridiculous" Remus sighed, his shoulders slumping.

"Dude, he isn't joking" America remarked. "Iggy pretty much torments everyone with news about Harry."

"For the last time, _there is no England!" _Moody growled. "Well, not a living, breathing one, anyway! There isn't a Spain either - or a France. There is no America. And" he shot a vicious glare in Prussia's direction. "I don't know where the hell the other one came from but it _definitely _doesn't exist."

Prussia exploded. _"I AM AWESOME!" _he howled. "You only _WISH _you could be as awesome as me!"

"England told us everyone a person could possibly want to know about Harry Potter" Spain remarked, ignoring Prussia's furious rants. He whimpered slightly. "It was horrible."

"Yes, yes..." France shuddered. "It all started on the day that Monsieur Potter destroyed Voldemort when he was a baby."

"...And then it just _didn't stop" _America moaned.

Prussia stopped ranting abruptly and joined in the conversation. "We knew the day Harry started Hogwarts" he told the startled group of wizards. "We knew the day Harry fought the troll in his first year at Hogwarts. We knew the year he saved the Philosophers Stone..."

"...The year he fought the basilik" Spain added, growing pale at the mere memory.

"When Sirius Black escaped from Hogwarts and Harry was able to discover his innocence" France's muttered. His shoulders slumped. "That one lasted for a while..."

"We knew the year Harry was in the twizard tournament" America said, his voice trembling slightly.

_"And _everything about the tournament" Prussia added. "Every...little...thing..."

"...What Harry did the night he came back from Hogwarts" Spain remarked, after a moment of thought.

"What he ate for breakfast" France said.

"What time he showers" America said, with a slight shudder.

"His usual sleep times" Spain muttered.

"His choice of fashion" Prussia said, before shooting Harry a critical glance.

"Records of what Harry says in his sleep..."

"...His usual sleep times...wait, I think I already said that..."

"...Where he hides his magical stuff..."

"...Any jokes he says throughout the day..."

"...I just want the _fucking _phonecalls to _stop." _Everyone turned to stare at America.

"Dude" Prussia said, staring at him in disbelief. "Are you _crying?"_

"Shut up!" America snapped, scrubbing furiously at his eyes. "Hero's don't cry!"

"I'm scared" muttered Harry.

Tonks shuddered lightly. "I'm just glad I'm not you" she muttered.

"Just stay the hell away from my Godson!" Sirius snarled. A moment later he leaned in close to Tonks and whispered; "I agree with you."

"Disgusting" Moody muttered, shaking his head.

"Disturbing" Remus muttered, looking slightly pale.

"...Intriguing" Voldemort breathed.

"Look" Spain sighed, shaking his head. "We just want England to stop. For the past fifteen years our lives have been _hell. _I mean, we thought it was over after America!"

America jerked around to stare at Spain, his eyes as wide as saucers. "When the _fuck _did England do that with me?!" he demanded, sounding horrified.

Spain, France and Prussia exchanged glances.

"...Well" France coughed, awkwardly. "By the time it was over, we had a very detailed and accurate record of your usual sleep times, meal times, play times..."

"...Not to mention a snazzy little book on funny and/or interesting quotes said by you over the years" Prussia added.

America stared at them, seemingly speechless with horror.

"...So" with a guilty look at America, Spain turned around to face Harry. "Tell England you hate him and then we'll let you and your friends go, alright?"

"I can't tell England I hate him because _he isn't a person!" _Harry snapped.

America regained control over himself. "Dude, we've been over this" he told Harry. "He's not a person - he's a nation."

"Oh please!" Voldemort scoffed. There was an awkward pause as everyone turned around to stare at him. "...What?" he demanded, defensively. "It's the worst lie I've ever heard! If you want to convince us that any of this is true, at least make it convincing!"

"...Remind me again why everyone fears this guy?" Moody asked, to no one in particular.

"If England REALLY existed" Voldemort snapped. "It wouldn't be Potter he'd love enough to follow around and make note of every movement - it would be ME!"

"...Despite the fact that you have no nose?" Unsurprisingly, that statement belonged to Prussia.

"You're the bad guy" Spain told Voldemort. "No one loves the bad guy."

"Also, you are ugly" France added.

Voldemort attempted to leap up out of his chair but then remembered he was tied down. His face turned red (...well it would have if it wasn't so screwed up) and he started a yell out furious, barely coherent things.

" - I will slaughter your families!" he howled."When I get out of here I will hunt down every member of your pathetic little familes and _slaughter them in front of your very eyes!"_

Spain's head jerked up and his eyes darkened dangerously. "How...how" he shook his head, struggling to gain control of himself. _"HOW DARE YOU THREATEN MY SWEET, ADORABLE, LOVELY LITTLE ROMANO!" _he bellowed. _"I WILL CUT OFF YOUR BALLS IF YOU EVEN _THINK _ABOUT LAYING A HAND ON HIM, YOU FIEND!"_

Prussia waved a dismissive hand in Voldemort's direction. "You can have my unawesome little brother" he told the wizard. "He gave away our position to America, the little traitor."

America shrugged. "My family is pretty much just England -"

"Who doesn't exist" Harry muttered.

"- And I _think _that there just _might _be someone else, but I can't put my finger on it..."

"And I have my little Matthieu!"

Prussia, Spain and America all turned to stare blankly at France.

"...Who?" they all asked, at the same time.

"...That...that little nation...the one that starts with C..." France's brow furrowed as he struggled to remember. "...He looks like America...I think..."

"And_ this_ is your only family?" Tonks snorted. "Wow. That's just brilliant."

"Canman!" America snapped his fingers, a wide grin spreading across his face. "That's it!"

"...I don't know anyone named Canman" France frowned.

Remus coughed, awkwardly. "Uh...do you mean Canada?"

"YES!" both France and America cried at the same time, the former looking excited and the latter looking triumphant.

Suddenly a silhouette appeared in the doorway, gaining the attention of all the occupants in the room. Prussia groaned, a scowl spreading across his features.

"Oh god" he moaned. "Not _another _one. This room is seriously starting to get crowded - who the hell is it _now?"_

The figure stepped into the room. All members of the Bad Touch Trio immediately paled and took a step backwards; America perked up and shot a wide grin at the new comer.

"Iggy!" he cried, opening his arms wide. England stepped straight past him and stormed over to the other three nations.

"You. Bastards. Will. _Pay" _he snarled.

...

**AN:**

**...Wow, I really can't get through a chapter without someone barging in, can I? xD**

**I'm glad that this story seems to have attracted such a positive response so far. I hope you guys continue to enjoy whats left of it - theres not long to go now. **

**Also, I understand that the HP characters may seem quite OC but you have to remember, this IS a comedy fic.**

**Review please and tell me what you think of the new chapter!**


	8. In Which Harry Finally Snaps

"England!" Spain laughed, staring with wide eyes at the new arrival. "Seriously, this is not what it looks like..."

Everyone glanced over to where Harry, the Order and Voldemort were tied up.

"Hehe..."

"YOU BASTARDS!" England howled, his expression murderous. "STAY AWAY FROM THE CHARMING CITIZENS OF MY COUNTRY - AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, STAY AWAY FROM _MY HARRY!"_

Harry flinched.

"Hey Harry" Prussia turned towards the pale-looking teen with an expecting look on his face. "You have something to say to England, don't you?"

Harry simply glared back at him.

_"DON'T YOU?!"_

"No...I don't" Harry snapped. "Because there _is no England!"_

"Don't worry Harry" England said, shooting Harry a reassuring look. "Your country will save you."

"You're all bloody insane!" Harry cried, frustration coating his tone.

England smiled. "You make your country proud."

"Crazy" Tonks, who had been observing the scene, shook her head in disbelief. "Bloody crazy."

"What the hell do you think you're _doing _you damn Frog?!" everyone turned to stare at France and England; unsurprisingly France, unable to resist for too long, had groped England quite firmly on the arse.

"Oh _hon hon hon" _France laughed. "You may pretend that you hate it but no one can resist the sexual prowess of France!"

"I RESIST! I RESIST _DAMMIT!"_

"...You don't think he's really mad, do you?" Spain murmured, glancing nervously at the scene. His eyes flickered over to Prussia and he raised one eyebrow.

"I don't care" the ex-nation snorted. "It's just un-awesome England."

"He scares me" Spain muttered. "Those phone calls..."

Prussia shuddered. "This will work" he said, more to reassure himself than Spain. "It has to. Those phone calls need to stop...I'm much to awesome to have to deal with all the stress."

England, hearing their conversation, whirled around. "SHUT UP!" he yelled. "Your plan, whatever it is, will never work! I will defeat you all and free Harry - and then he can take down Voldemort and save this country, while I go back to watching his every move!" He let out an excited cackle. _"YOU WILL NOT STOP ME!"_

Everyone stared at him with wide eyes.

"Iggy...dude..." America said, slowly. "Calm down..."

England whirled around, his expression wild. "AMERICA YOU LITTLE TRAITOR!" he bellowed.

"What did I do?!" America protested, taking a step back to distance himself from the enraged nation.

"What did you do?!" England let out a loud, sarcastic laugh. "You're bloody aiding this cretins! Traitor! _Fiend! _To think, I raised you..."

"I'm not doing anything wrong!" America cried. "I'm on your side, for godsake!" he paused and then backtracked. "Well, okay, no I'm not...because your crazy. But I _am _helping you...well, myself, but still -"

"TRAITOR!" England howled, ignoring America's attempts to defend himself. "It's the revolutionary war all over again!"

"So this is 'England', hmm?" Voldemort observed the nation curiously. "Tell me Mr. England - even though you are not England - why do you love Potter more than me? I am much better after all - I am Lord Voldemort -"

_"Voldemort!" _England cried, his eyes wide with disbelief. "What the _hell _is _he _doing here?!"

The Order all exchanged glances.

"Trust me" Tonks said. "You _really _don't want to know."

"Who...who ARE all these people?" England finally seemed to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't just his precious Harry who was being held captive. "Wait..."

He pulled out a small book from his pocket and began to flick through it. "Ahh...the Order" he muttered.

Harry caught a glimpse of the title - _"Everything You Need To Know About Harry Potter _- and shuddered, looking disturbed.

"Who the hell was stupid enough to put _Voldemort _in here?!" England ranted. "The man's a bloody danger to Harry's life!"

Prussia snorted. "Oh please, he's a pussy - they all are."

"Say what you want about the rest of them!" England snarled. "Say what you want about me - but don't you _DARE _insult Harry!"

There was a moment of silence.

"England?" America coughed, awkwardly. "Uh, dude,, could you make Voldie over there admit that he knows Tony?"

"I DO NOT KNOW TONY!" Voldemort howled.

"Tony?" England's brow furrowed. "You mean that annoying alien of yours?"

"Oh brilliant..." Moody groaned. "Now we've gone and added aliens to the party. What's next?"

"Oh _hon hon hon..._that is a good question" France murmured, smiling. "What should we add next...perhaps a prostitute? Or maybe a well-adorned stripper?"

Moody's expression darkened. "If you value your life, you'll -"

"Oh!" Spain cut him off. "Let's get a werewolf!"

Remus' eyes widened. "Well" he said, coughing awkwardly. "We've already got one of those..."

France's eyes widened. "Oh! You mean Monsieur over there with no nose?" he gestured towards Voldemort. "I _knew _that he was too ugly to be human!"

There was an awkward pause.

"I meant me..." Remus muttered.

"So...England?" America said, ignoring the conversation going on between France, Spain and the Order. "You know everything about Voldemort, right?"

"No" England replied. "I know nothing about Voldemort."

"HOW DARE YOU?!" Voldemort screeched. "I AM A MUCH BETTER WIZARD THAN _POTTER_...LOVE ME MORE!"

"Tell me he knows Tony!" America pleaded.

"How the hell should I know if he knows Tony?!" England snapped.

"For the last time, I _don't know Tony!" _Voldemort snarled. "Shut up _now _or I will slaughter your families!"

Spain, hearing this remark, whirled around and came marching over.

"STOP THREATENING MY LITTLE ROMANO!" he bellowed, a deadly look flashing in his eyes. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!"

England frowned, looking confused. "No one mentioned South Italy..."

America coughed. "Yeah..." he said. "...He's a little paranoid."

"I already told you that you could have my traitorous little brother!" Prussia reminded Voldemort. England perked up at the mention of Germany.

"Oh yes, Germany" he murmured. "I have to thank him once I get out of here. He gave me the directions to this place, you know."

_"WHAT?!" _Prussia howled. "West, you little _TRAITOR!"_

America looked horrified. "What did you do to Germany?!" he demanded, gazing at England with wide eyes.

"Nothing!" England snapped, defensively. "I was simply telling him about the situation...it's not my fault that he simply...broke..."

Prussia stopped ranting about his "traitorous little brother" and stared at England in alarm. "You tortured West?" he choked.

_"No _you idiot!" England snapped. "I simply discussed the situation with him for a few hours -"

"A few _hours?!" _America spluttered.

"- And then he got a little...frustrated...and started screaming. I have no idea why...but then he handed me the directions to this place before he told me to get out - so everything turned out well in the end."

_" - MY LITTLE ROMANO WILL BE PROTECTED BY ME - YOU WANT TO TOUCH HIM THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME - I WILL DESTROY YOU -"_

"SPAIN!" Prussia howled. "Shut the hell up! No one cares!"

Remus frowned at the other members of the Order. "Isn't Romano a type of cheese?" he asked.

"Yup" Tonks nodded. "I had it for dinner a few days ago."

"...He's screaming about cheese" Sirius looked disbelieving.

"Maybe it's his favourite food" Tonks replied, frowning.

"Romano is probably a person" Remus sighed. "Why else would he refer to him as a 'he.'"

Sirius snorted. "I don't know!" he exclaimed. "They're all crazy - their actions can't be rationalized."

"Hey Losers!" Prussia snapped, glaring at them. "Remember - I AM AWESOME!"

"Excuse me...what is that countries name again?" France asked, directing his question at Remus. "The one that starts with C..."

Remus frowned. "Canada?"

"Ahh yes - Canada!" France beamed. Then his expression turned to one of confusion yet again. "Wait...what?"

"Canada."

"My little Canadia!" France held his hands to his chest, a loving expression crossing his face.

"Can_ada" _Remus corrected him.

"Yes!" France beamed. "That is what I said!"

America frowned. "Whose Canada?"

For some reason (because really, this was rather toned down compared to some of the other events he had been experiencing since being kidnapped by the Bad Touch Trio) Harry chose this moment to snap.

"I AM BLOODY _DONE _WITH YOU IDIOTS!" he roared. "YOU WANT ME TO TELL THAT GUY WITH THE CATERPILLARS ON HIS FACE THAT I HATE HIM?! FINE! _I. HATE. YOU" _Harry's face turned red and his breathing grew labored; everyone stared at him with wide eyes. "AND I HATE THE REST OF YOU TOO - I HATE ALL YOU _MANIACS - _I HATE -"

His screams cut of abruptly as he pitched forward, unconscious.

Everyone turned to Prussia, who had slammed his fist into the back of Harry's head.

"I am so SICK of all these English accents!" he snapped.


	9. In Which Everyone FINALLY Gets To Leave

Harry woke up to the sound of hysterical crying

"Oh Harry...tell me it isn't so..."

Harry almost started to join in with the hysterical sobs when he identified who they belonged to.

"Tell me it isn't so..." sobbed England. "TELL ME IT ISN'T SO!"

Harry groaned; why couldn't he have stayed unconscious? He wondered, if he asked nicely enough, if the white-haired creep would knock him out again...

Across the room, the Bad Touch Trio and America were involved in yet another heated game of 'Go Fish!'

America glanced over to his former caretaker and the now-conscious Harry and frowned slightly.

"Do you think we should do something?" he asked.

"Nah" Prussia replied, dismissively, before focusing all of his attention back on the game.

"Harry...why did you do this to me?" England wailed. "How could you say such things?!"

"I have a concussion" Harry moaned. "Why can't everyone just shut the hell up?!"

England let out a hysterical wail, and the tears fell harder. "IT'S THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR ALL OVER AGAIN!" he howled. "Why does everyone I love always leave me?!"

"I wonder why" Moody muttered, as he observed the scene.

Harry attempted to inch away, wincing when he realized that he was still tied to the chair and unable to do so.

"I don't even know you..." he groaned.

England cried harder.

"GO FISH!" Spain cried, slamming a card down and grinning widely. He seemed oblivious to England's sorrow (that, or he just didn't care).

Prussia threw his cards down to the floor, let out an angry exclamation. "Dammit!" he howled. "Stop cheating!"

"I didn't cheat!" Spain protested.

"Of course you did!" Prussia snapped. "I'm _much _too awesome to lose!"

"I do not think he cheated" France stated.

"I demand a rematch!" Prussia howled.

"Um..." Remus coughed, sounding awkward. "Could you...untie us now...please...?"

Prussia whirled around and glared at him. "Why the hell should we do that?!" he snapped.

"Oh brilliant" Sirius groaned, slumping against his chair. "We're never going to get out of here..."

"Well" Remus frowned. "You _did _tell us that you'd let us go if Harry told...England...that he hated him."

England sobbed harder.

"Exactly!" Tonks grinned, triumphantly. "Harry did what you said, so now you have to let us go!"

France quickly crossed the room and groped her.

Tonks let out a shriek. "Let go of me, you sicko!"

"I am sorry, Mademoiselle" despite his words, France didn't sound sorry at all. "The look on your face made it impossible for me to resist...oh _hon hon hon..."_

Tonks glowered at him. "When I get out of here, I'm getting a restraining order..."

"You know, Prussia" Spain said, turning towards his friend. "We _did _say that we'd let them go if Harry complied."

"Oh yeah..." Prussia frowned slightly. "Does that mean that it's all over? Huh..."

"Okay, seriously, let us go now..." Sirius urged.

"Shut up!" Prussia snapped. "I'm thinking!"

Sirius groaned. "Oh come on!" he exclaimed. "How hard can it be?! You asked Harry to do something, he did it - now let us go!"

"...I don't know" Prussia muttered. "It just seems too easy..."

"HOW HAS _ANY_ OF THIS BEEN EASY?!"

"Can we please keep them a bit longer?" France pleaded. He shot Tonks a long, flirtatious glance.

"I swear..." Tonks fumed. "I'm going to kill that guy when I get out of here..."

"Hey guys" America cut into the conversation. "You know, Tony's friend's been really quiet..."

Everyone glanced at Voldemort. The Dark Lord (these words said with a generous layer of sarcasm) was fast asleep, with a thin stream of drool dripping down his chin.

"I REALLY don't understand why everyone is so afraid of him" Moody muttered.

"...I want that rematch!" Prussia cried.

At these words, the Order lost all hope of ever getting out.

However, about an hour later when Prussia had _finally _won (well, Spain got sick of him, and let him win) the ex-nation finally decided that he was sick of the wizards and untied everyone.

"Oh thank Merlin!" Sirius moaned, leaping out of his chair and clutching onto the floor as if it were his lifeline. "Merlin, I've never been so happy in my life! Now I can go back to -" his smile faded. "...Back to being a convict..."

Tonks stormed over to France and punched him in the face. "Merlin!" she cried. "I've been waiting _for ages _to do that!"

Moody glanced at the trio, at America, and then at the still-sobbing England. He shook his head.

"Let's just get the hell out of here before they change their minds" he muttered.

The Order, realizing just how true his words were, grabbed ahold of Harry and, after managing to pry him out of England's grip, left the room as quickly as they possibly could.

_"NO!" _England howled, clutching at empty air. "Come back!"

Voldemort chose that moment to wake up.

"LORD VOLDEMORT WILL DESTROY -" he frowned, realizing that the room was nearly empty. "...We're is everyone?"

"Dude, everyone left" America replied.

"You're free to go by the way" Spain added.

Voldemort leapt out of his chair and looked around the room. "Where is Potter?!" he demanded. "I need to destroy him!"

"Uh...he went that way" America pointed in the direction of the opened doorway.

Voldemort pulled his wand from the pocket of his robes and raced towards the exit at the fastest pace he could manage.

A moment later he was lying face-first on the ground.

"Yeah, dude..." America said, from his position above him. "Sorry 'bout that."

"You tripped me" Voldemort snarled.

"Yeah..." America reached down and pried the wand from the Dark Lord's fingers. He snapped it in half.

"MY WAND!" Voldemort howled.

"Yeah" America laughed. "Can't have you killing anyone, can we?"

Voldemort peeled himself off the floor and stared at America for a moment, looking like he wanted nothing more than to tear off the blonde's head and feed it to his Death Eaters. A moment later he let out a frustrated howl and stormed out of the room.

"Hey Dude!" America called after him. "Maybe you, me and Tony can have a sleepover sometime, huh?"

There was no reply.

"...I'll take that as a yes."

"The last time..." England had stopped crying and was now fuming with anger. "The last bloody time...I am _never _loving _anyone _EVER AGAIN!"

He leapt up and stormed out of the room.

France snorted. "Oh how I wish" he muttered. "Angleterre said the same thing after America..."

"Don't remind me about that" America moaned, shuddering.

Canada chose this moment to make his grand appearance. The nation appeared in the doorway, hands positioned on his hips, his trademark bear not present for once.

"Guys!" Canada exclaimed. "This has got to stop! England is going crazy and I don't think this is very fair...just let everyone go, alright? And also - wait, where is everyone?"

Prussia frowned. "Do you hear something?" he asked.

"Nah..." Spain shrugged. "It's probably nothing."

"I feel a sudden sense of love and fatherly devotion..." France murmured, looking thoughtful. A moment later he shrugged his shoulders and let out a laugh. "It is probably nothing. Would anyone like to go out for drinks?"

"Yeah!" America grinned. "You're paying, dude!"

They all walked out of the room.

"...Why do I always miss all the good stuff?" Canada sighed.

...

Petunia Dursley had been experiencing the best time of her life. For once, she didn't have to fear the presence of strange unnatural beings...she didn't have to constantly live with the fear that one of those _things _would be standing behind her, just waiting to envelope her in it's unnatural aura. Finally, her delinquent nephew was gone for good - and he wasn't ever coming back.

There was a knock on her door.

"Hmm..." she murmured. "I wonder who that might be?"

Setting aside her cup of tea, she stood up and walked to the door, humming merrily. Oh, her life was just so wonderful. Nothing could ruin this - nothing!

She opened the door and screamed.

"Petunia?" Vernon Dursley stepped into the living room, looking alarmed by his wife's screams. "What is - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING BACK?!"

Harry glared at them for a moment and then stormed past, making his way towards his bedroom. "Congratulations" he snapped, as he passed his uncle. "I found some people I hate more than you lot."

...

**AN:**

**Okay guys! Just one more chapter to go!**

**Aww, I was having so much fun with this...but then, I planned this story out, gave it a beginning, a middle and an end and I didn't want to destroy that. I had to stick to the plan! **

**Plus, I didn't want to drag this out for too long and lose the main idea of it. **

**Would have loved to stick around for a bit longer but, oh well. It was amazing to write this and I had so much fun. You guys were amazing too. I would never have had the motivation to complete this if it wasn't for you guys!**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter - there is still one more to come though! And, I have other Hetalia fics to (including another crossover that you guys might have already read) so I'll still be around! You can't get rid of me that easily xD**


	10. In Which Everything Draws To An End

A month had passed since Harry, Remus, Tonks, Moody and Sirius had been freed. The five of them were currently gathered in the living room of the Order of the Phoenix Headquarters, recounting their tale to the small crowd that had gathered around them.

"So what?" Ron asked, his eyes wide. "Were they, like, _really _insane?"

"Completely barmy" Sirius replied. "They thought they were countries, for Merlin's sake!"

Mrs. Weasley shook her head. "Oh, you poor dears" she murmured. "I'm just glad that you're all okay."

"Would you believe us if we told you that Voldemort was tied up in there with us?"

Hermione stared at Harry, looking skeptical. "Really?" she asked, sounding unconvinced.

"Really" Harry, Sirius, Remus, Tonks and Moody all said, at the same time.

At that moment, Dumbledore entered the room. He looked around the room, glancing at everyone and smiling pleasantly.

"Is everyone here?" he asked. "I have something I want to tell you all."

Everyone quietened down.

"So, I know you are all still getting over the latest...ordeal" Dumbledore said. "I am just pleased to see that you are all well."

Moody snorted. "Those fellows were out of their minds" he muttered.

"Yes, well -" Dumbledore hesitated for a moment. He coughed, sounding slightly awkward. "I...have some good news. I have managed to acquire some..._very _useful help for the war."

Everyone took note of the strange note in Dumbledore's voice. Ignoring this, Remus leaned forward, looking interested.

"Really?" he asked. "From who?"

"Well...he is quite strange" Dumbledore let out a small laugh, and his eyes twinkled. "I remember that time when he demanded that I give him tickets to see the Triwizard Tournament..."

"Alright then, strange blokes" Remus noted. "We're used to those types though" he grinned at the four others that had been in captivity with him.

Sirius snorted. "After what happened, I don't think _anyone _is strange...those blokes take the cake."

"Yes, well..." Dumbledore coughed, and wrung his hands together. "I think I might...explain things to you a bit, before I introduce you. You see...this might be a bit hard to wrap your minds around."

"Professor" Harry said, raising one eyebrow. "We just spent part of the holidays with a bunch of psychos who thought they were _countries. _NOTHING is hard to believe!"

"...Yes" Dumbledore let out a small laugh. "That's the thing. Those people that...kidnapped you. Well...I believe I might know them."

Remus looked confused. "What does that have to do with the help you managed to acquire?" he asked.

"Well..,you see..." Dumbledore hesitated. "The person who will be helping us...he...well..." he stared at the crowd for a moment. "He is England" he said, at last.

Everyone stared.

"...Please tell me I heard him wrong" Sirius choked.

"No" Tonks looked horrified. "I'm pretty sure you didn't."

Dumbledore continued to speak, despite the horrified reactions he was receiving. "You see, every nation in the world is personified -"

"NO!"

Everyone turned to stare at Harry, stunned by his furious exclamation.

"No, no, _no!" _he snarled. "I am NOT listening to this!"

"Harry, my dear boy" Dumbledore soothed. "It is the truth -"

"No it isn't!" Harry snapped. "If you're trying to tell me that those _psychopaths _were really countries, then you can just -"

A loud cry cut off whatever he had been about to say.

"SUCK IT LOSERS, THE AWESOME ME IS HERE!"

Sirius, Remus, Harry, Tonks and Moody all simultaneously paled.

"...No" Tonks whispered.

"Please tell me I'm hearing things" Sirius moaned.

"Why?" Remus groaned. _"WHY?!"_

Moody whirled around to face Dumbledore, his expression wild. "What can kill them?" he demanded, his breathing labored. "Tell me,_ what can kill them?!"_

"...Yes" Dumbledore turned away from Moody, and smiled at everyone in the room. "I asked England to bring along as much backup as he possibly could."

_"NO!" _Sirius, Tonks, Moody, Harry and Remus all wailed.

Hermione looked confused. "Was it really that bad?" she murmured, surprised by the strong reactions her five friends were having.

At that moment, five figures entered the room (well, six, but no one ever noticed Canada).

"Hey guys!" America grinned, waving energetically. "The hero is back!"

Remus fell to his knees and began to sob.

"Ahh, Mademoiselle!" France took a step forward and smiled flirtatiously at Tonks. The witch took a step back, her expression darkening.

"Do you _want _me to punch you again?!" she spat.

"Oh...so many beautiful women in this room..." France's eyes rested on Hermione and he winked at her. Hermione blushed, looking pleased.

"Don't fall for it, Hermione" Tonks warned. "He'll devour your soul."

"Hola, everyone!" Spain grinned. "It's good to see you all again!"

England took a moment to glare at each individual (it seemed Harry's declaration of hatred had really affected him) before turning to Dumbledore.

"Hello Dumbledore" he greeted, his voice cold. "Don't think I've forgiven you for not giving me those tickets to watch Harry fight the dragons."

Dumbledore smiled. "Of course not."

England turned to glare at Harry. "I will never forgive you, you traitorous little fiend" he hissed.

Harry shrugged. "Just stop stalking me, and I really don't care" he muttered.

"Hey dudes. Is Tony's friend here?" America asked. "I wanna ask him for his phone number, so we can have that sleepover!"

Ron raised one eyebrow and glanced at Harry. "Tony's friend?" he whispered.

"He means Voldemort" Harry replied.

Ron leaned back and glanced at America, looking slightly disturbed.

Moody glared at the nations. "What the hell are you doing back?!" he demanded.

America grinned at him. "We're here to help the war!" he replied. "Because we're heroes - well, I am anyway. Those guys are all kind of pathetic..." he struck a heroic pose and stayed that way for a moment, as if waiting for some sort of reaction. Everyone simply stared at him; England's eye twitched slightly.

"I am awesome!" Prussia snapped.

"I am sexy!" France purred.

"I am angry!" England growled. He glowered at Harry. "Harry, I will NEVER forgive you!"

Tonks shook her head and glanced at Dumbledore. "They aren't countries" she said, defiantly.

"No" Dumbledore replied. "They are."

Prussia smirked, looking triumphant. "I told you!" he laughed.

"You're joking right?" Remus moaned. He had picked himself off the floor and was now standing with his back against the wall, as if the structure was the only thing keeping him standing. "They were serious all along?"

"Fine, fine, whatever!" Sirius snapped. "So they're countries - I get England, America, Spain and France -"

"And Canada" Canada whispered.

" - But what the _hell _is Prussia?!"

"The most awesome nation in the world!" Prussia announced.

"...I honestly don't know" Dumbledore murmured, looking thoughtful. He glanced at Prussia. "You _are _a real country, aren't you?"

"MY ARMIES WILL CRUSH YOU!" was the rather loud exclamation he received in response.

England scowled at Prussia, and then went on to do so to the other nations in the room. "I don't even know why you bastards are here..." he muttered.

"Because!" France replied, smirking slightly. "We were the only ones that volunteered to come along! Everyone else was much too afraid to do so."

England opened his mouth to reply, closed it, and then opted to whirl around to face Harry.

"Harry Potter, you traitorous brat!" he spat.

Ron frowned. "Is he alright?" he muttered.

"No" Harry replied. "He's crazy."

"Um" Canada tried to raise his voice as much as possible, and stood up straight, trying to get the attention of everyone in the room. "It's...nice to meet you guys."

Of course, no one heard him.

Tonks frowned. "Did you hear something?" she asked.

"Nah" Sirius replied, waving one hand dismissively. "It was probably nothing."

France let out a noise of frustration. "Why do I keep getting these fatherly emotions?" he demanded. "I do not understand! Do they mean something?!"

"It might be because of me..." Canada muttered.

"No...they mean nothing" France laughed. "Why would they mean anything?"

"Because I'm here" Canada replied, some heat slipping into his voice. "You know, Canada, your former colony?"

France walked straight past him, accidentally hitting him with his arm, and sending Canada flying.

"Ow..." he moaned.

"So!" Dumbledore beamed at the occupants of the room. "Now you are all aware of one of the most well kept secrets in the world!"

There was a moment of silence; then Harry walked up to the nearest hard surface and slammed his head against it.

"Heart-breaking, monstrous fiend!" spat England.

"This is so righteous, dudes!" America grinned. "Can we go find Tony's friend now?"

...

Voldemort stood, surrounded by his Death Eaters, smiling coldly at Harry as he walked forward. Harry, for his part, stood with his back straight and his wand clutched tightly in his hand.

"Prepare to cry, Voldie" Harry told his enemy. Voldemort's expression darkened with rage.

"What the hell are you -" his voice choked off as he caught sight of the people coming up behind Harry. "NO!" he howled. "WHAT THE HELL ARE _THEY _DOING BACK?!"

"Ha!" Prussia cackled. "Cower at the sight of the awesome me!"

England stepped forward at stared at Voldemort. "Once upon a time" he growled. "I would have destroyed you on sight, in order to protect Harry - but now I hate the traitorous brat, so I will do no such thing!"

"England" Dumbledore, who had arrived sometime during England's angry speech, frowned at the nation. "You said you'd help..."

England scowled. "Oh fine!" he snapped.

"Hola!" Spain grinned. "Nice to see you again!"

"Bonjour, you ugly creature" France greeted.

"Hey dude!" America bounded forward, much to Voldemort's horror. "Wanna go catch a movie with me and Tony?!"

_"I DO NOT KNOW TONY!" _Voldemort howled.

"...I don't suppose you can see me, right?" Canada murmured.

Voldemort stormed forward, knocking him over, and walking right on top of him. Canada lay on the ground, glaring at the sky and silently cursing his misfortune.

"I hate you all!" Voldemort snarled, before turning and running away.

"RETREAT!" he howled to his startled Death Eaters. None of them looked like they knew what to do.

"Should we...run?" Lucius Malfoy murmured, looking confused.

"...I guess" Bellatrix muttered. "I mean...Master told us to...right?"

"Wait dude!" America abandoned his group and chased after Voldemort. "I need your number! Give me your phone number!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" could be heard, echoing through the nearby area.

...

Legend says that, to this day, America still chases Voldemort, pleading for his phone number.

Of course, legends are a load of utter bullshit.

The truth is, Canada kind of got in the way (by accident of course) and, since he's invisible and all, Voldemort didn't see him, slammed into him, and went careening through the air...

...Coincidentally there was a cliff in front of him and he went sailing right over...and then down.

Down.

Down.

...And then he died.

In the end, it was Canada who defeated Voldemort, by default...but since he's pretty much invisible, no one ever saw him there, and America took all the credit. Of course, he made it sound much more heroic than it really was. And of course, no one believed him.

The countries left after that, never to be seen or heard from again (except for the occasional 'anonymous' hate mail England sent Harry).

No one really missed them, or mentioned them, or even thought about them (...much).

They were all just glad to see them gone.

**...**

**AN:**

**So...that was the end.**

**Potter and the Perverts is finished.**

**It was so much fun to write this story :D Thank you for all your reviews, favourites and follows - you guys have been so awesome throughout this entire thing.**

**If you liked this story, I have a number of other ones written for Hetalia, as well as many written for Harry Potter too. I also recently posted out a Hetalia fic called 'The Best Way To Screw Up A Wedding.'**

**Tell me what you think of this last chapter, and of the story as a whole :D**


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